Heart attack

When is the worst possible time to have a heart attack? When you are playing Charades.

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I said bring your coffee maker whenever you want

Them: great headphones on planes is heavier than flying over TEAs

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What do you call a bee from the wrong side of town?

A bumblegee

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What do you call an alien in a swamp?

A MARSHian

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What did one nose say when the other nose said “I love you”?

"Back achoo!"

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What’s brown and sticky?

A stick.

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No matter what anyone said, I was never going to take the stand.

It's 1000 pages, for Pete's sake!

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My Girlfriend told me she didn’t want anything for Birthday

I didn't give her anything :O #ThugLife

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Requesting jokes on specific topics (Mod-approved)

Some highly important holidays are coming up, and as he often does, my Rabbi asked me to help him find some jokes, based on specific topics he'll be speaking about. I left his phrasing as is for context(?). He mangled the spelling of my name so badly I almost did not recognize it.

If it's not a Jewish joke, don't worry about it, so long as it's a joke. I've gotten plenty of jokes off of catholic websites that I've edited as needed, so just leave them as is, it's not an issue. I'd definitely prefer jokes longer than just set-up: punchline, thank you all in advance!

TOPICS:

Light

Darkness

Honey/Bee/Sting

Hot/Cold

Time

Mountain

Today

Tomorrow

Seize the Day

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A woman files for divorce from her husband…

citing that he makes too many Star Wars puns. When asked if this is true the husband says,

"Divorce is strong with this one."

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