Then it suddenly hit me
He calls animal control, who tell him they can't remove it without authority from the mayor.
Well, the mayor of this particular town is about as rude and obnoxious as they come, and when the minister calls, the mayor doesn't disappoint. He begins to rant and rave, going on for some time.
Finally he tells the minister " What are you bothering me for? It's your job to bury the dead… "
"True, " replies the minister, "but I am also obliged to tell the next of kin first!"
(I have to credit Pastor Joel Osteen of Lakewood Church for this one, religion can be fun!)
then you have made a grave mistake.
Cause they're the holy part of the donut!
I had a laparoscopy on Wednesday, and my Dad just brought out my 'super official, totally from the Doctor post op instructions'.
TL;DR Insanely freaking long but worth it. Please don't hesitate to throw these post op instructions in the nearest waste receptacle.
POST-OPERATIVE INSTRUCTIONS FOR LAPAROSCOPY
Laparoscopic surgery may be performed for the diagnosis of pelvic pain, for evaluation of uterine or ovarian masses, for management of ectopic (tubal) pregnancy, to locate lost keys, for tubal sterilization, or for removal of an ovary or ovarian cyst.
You may feel some chest, shoulder or abdominal discomfort for a few days. This discomfort is a result of the Hydrogen gas that was introduced in the abdomen during surgery. Your body will absorb this gas after 24 to 48 hours and over the next few days you will produce a series of violent and unexpected farts. For relief, you may apply heat to your abdomen or lay flat. Under no circumstances should you go near to a flame source! (Much blood, many deaths)
It is important to take a stool softener such as Dynamite while taking narcotic pain medication such as Percocet or Vicodin. Please purchase a stool softener before your surgery. In addition it would be wise to line the walls of your bathroom with non-stick material in case of an accidental overdose of the stool softener.
You may take “over the counter” pain relievers that do not contain aspirin such as acetaminophen (Tylenol) or ibuprofen (Motrin or Advil). Do not exceed the daily recommended dose. Note: If the pain is not relieved by pain medication, becomes worse, or you have difficulty breathing, call our office.
Laparoscopic incisions are closed with skin adhesive which may have a bluish/shiny appearance on the skin and/or with subcutaneous (under the skin) suture. Inspect your incisions daily. Try not to faint or vomit.
A large amount of blood or clear drainage from the incisions is normal and not a cause for concern.
Bruising around your incision sites is common and a cause for concern. Your incisions may be itchy for a few days. This is part of the normal healing process.
As your incisions heal, they will change in color and may become numb for several weeks.
If you have small dressings or Band-Aids, they may be removed in 24 hours.
If you have steri-strips (small adhesive strips) in place, they will peel and fall off. If they do not fall off in 10 days, carefully peel them off.
If you have stitches, they will dissolve on their own.
If you have none of the above your surgeon had one too many sherbets at the club and has forgotten to close the wounds.
Note: If you notice any redness, heavy drainage, your b*m falls off, or bleeding from your incisions, call our office.
You may resume the diet you had prior to surgery if you are brave.
Drink 600-800 glasses of fizzy pop daily and then bounce vigorously on a trampoline. (We have always wondered what would happen.)
For the first several days after surgery, the bowel is usually less active. You may not have a regular bowel movement right away depending on pre-op bowel prep or pain medication use.
If, after six months you have not had a decent c**p, you may have a problem. This usually proves to be as a result of your surgeon forgetting the purpose of the procedure and deciding that all that stuff in there looked disgusting and removed it. Sadly you will have to snake a garden hose up your clacka as a makeshift replacement for your bowel.
Narcotic pain medication (Percocet, Vicodin, Selleys Stop Leak, building putty, hydrocodone or oxycodone) will increase constipation.
Bowel movements will be deceptively violent and it would be best to wear a wetsuit with the b**t removed at all times until regular motions return.
If constipation should occur:
Drink more fluids
Continue to take a stool softener such as dynamite until constipation resolves
Take a mild laxative such as Bob’s Mega Poo.
Mild abdominal swelling can occur following surgery due to removal of the bowels and hydrogen gas used to distend the abdomen during surgery and as a source of childish amusement for the operating room staff.
Swelling of the head and lower extremities is common due to fluids given during surgery.
Swelling of the face can occur due to positioning during surgery.
If you have swelling of the calves that is persistent or associated with redness, call our office.
It is normal to feel tired for a few days after surgery. Listen to the voices in your head and do not overdo it.
Weight lifting is encouraged immediately after surgery, as tolerated. You should NOT be bedridden after surgery as continued movement will prevent prolonged recovery times due to “blobbage.”
If you could climb stairs un-aided prior to surgery you are a show off.
If your incisions are 5 millimeters (the width of a pencil), you may resume your normal activities and exercise regimen after two weeks.
If your incisions are 10 millimeters (finger width) or larger, you should avoid strenuous activities such as heavy lifting (greater than 10 pounds or a gallon of milk), pushing or pulling for six weeks.
Do not drive while taking prescription pain medication or if your level of discomfort could inhibit your ability to operate a motor vehicle safely.
Most patients are able to return to work after two minutes. Recovery times vary from patient to patient. Your doctor will make recommendations based on your level of woosiness.
You may shower the day after surgery. Pat incisions dry. Do not rub incisions with washcloth or towel but use steel wool. Keep your incisions as moist as possible.
You will need a bath after six weeks as everyone will tell you. You must also wait six weeks to go into a swimming pool, hot tub, or the ocean. Indeed with the abdominal swelling you may be mistaken for a hump back and harpooned.
Surgery can alter your menstrual cycles. Your first cycle should have training wheels and a little bell, and could occur early or late. Your guess is as good as ours. If your cycle is more than seven days late, you should take a home pregnancy test if you have been ‘doing the naughty.’
You should schedule a follow-up post-operative appointment at two weeks and at six weeks.
A fever higher than 600.4 degrees C
Increasing pain not controlled by pain medication
Inability to eat or drink without vomiting
Shortness of breath
Inability to empty your bladder with urine squirting from your ears.
Redness and tenderness at the incision site, or a large amount of drainage
Heavy, bright red critter tearing its way out of your belly.
You can expect to have small reddish-brown colored feet for up to two weeks. Do not be alarmed by this.
If you feel you need to be seen urgently, please go to a different hospital where your surgery was not performed as our physicians have been fired for being drunk and insane whilst operating. Any questions regarding your surgery or post-operative recovery should be googled. It would be pointless to ask the staff at the Women’s Clinic Southern Piddle or your Primary Care Physician as they only in it for the money and are not penalized in any way if one of their victims should drop off the perch.
It's called the Necronomnomnomicon.
He was outstanding in his field!
How much should I sell it for when I adjust for inflation?