A burglar broke into a home.
He heard a soft voice say, "Jesus is watching you." Thinking it was his imagination, he continued his search.
Again, he hears: "Jesus is watching you."
He turned his flashlight around and saw a parrot in a cage.
He asked the parrot if he was the one talking. The parrot said, "Yes." So he asked the parrot his name, and the parrot replied, "Moses."
The burglar asked, "What kind of people would name a parrot Moses?"
The parrot replied, "The same kind of people who would name their pit bull, Jesus
So these two roaches, Tom and Oscar, are hanging out next to a dumpster enjoying a snack. “Hey Tom” said Oscar to his friend, “You know that restaurant down the block? I went there yesterday to pick up some scraps, and I couldn’t believe how clean it was, I could practically see my reflection through the shiny waxed floor.” “Oscar” hollered Tom spitting the food out of his mouth, “please not while I am eating!!
"Can't you Count Dracula?"
Interviewer to Millionaire: To whom do you owe your success as a millionaire?" Millionaire: "I owe everything to my wife." Interviewer: "Wow, she must be some woman. Interviewer: "What were you before you married her?" Millionaire: "A Billionaire"
Johnny: Dad, what is a weapon? Father: Well, Son, that's something you fight with. Johnny: Is Mom your weapon?
He had to join a support group since he couldn't handle his boos.
The juggler notices the four gentleman have a very poor view, so he stands up on a wooden crate and calls out, "Can you all see me now?" "Yes" "Oui" "Sí" "Ja"
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