If you can't helium, or curium, you can always barium
My neighbor commented on my Facebook page that it wasn't straight, so I unfriended him.
That's the last time he comments on my posts!
You notice the Simptoms…
One day, two women dog owners are arguing about whose dog is smarter. The first woman says, "My dog's so smart, every morning he waits for the paper boy to come around and then he takes the newspaper and brings it to me."
The second woman replies, "I know…"
The first woman is surprised and asks, "How do you know?"
The second woman says, "My dog told me."
I said to the gym instructor, "Can you teach me to do a split?" He said, "How flexible are you?"
I said, "I can't make Tuesdays."
A police officer jumps into his squad car and calls the station.
“I have an interesting case here,” he says. “A woman shot her husband for stepping on the floor she just mopped.”
“Have you arrested her?” asks the sergeant.
“No, not yet. The floor’s still wet.”
The Ethiopian cookbook