I went to my doctor and said, “Doctor, I keep thinking that I’m covered all over in gold paint!”

The doctor replied, "It looks like you may have a deep rooted gilt complex."

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Talking dog for sale.

A man is driving along a country road, when he spies a sign that reads "Talking Dog For Sale". He pulls into a long dirt driveway, up to an old rickety shack. He knocks on the front door and the grizzly old owner answers it. "I saw your sign about the talking dog for sale. Is he here?" "Sure, out back". So the guy walks onto the back porch, sees a golden lab in the yard, and says "Are you the talking dog?" "Who wants to know?" After recovering from the shock of actually hearing a dog talk, the man asks him "So, what's your story?" "Well, I learned I could talk at a very early age, so decided that I wanted to help out our government. I flew all over the world, attending conferences of foreign dignitaries, going into terrorist camps, listening in on all sorts of classified conversations, and reporting back to my contacts at the FBI. I did this for 8 years, but got tired of flying so much, so decided to cut back. I took on a wife, had 7 kids, and for the next few years did undercover work at the local airport, listening in for suspicious activity.". The guy asks the owner how much he wants for the dog. "10 bucks" he's told. "Why only 10 dollars?". "That dog is a liar. He's never been out of the yard".

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