You see all these mafia movies; Italians are always portrayed as angry, violent people. That's not right. As far as we Italians are concerned — hey, listen, we don't hurt people, but people get hurt, you know? Accidents happen! You walk outside, trip and fall on an ice pick, six or seven times, you know? Right away, they blame Vinny. That's not right.
A man lives in a highrise on the 15th floor. Every morning, on the way to work, he takes the elevator all the way down to the 1st floor. But when he comes home, he takes the elevator to the 8th floor and walks the rest of the way up. The only exception is when it's raining. Why? The man's a midget, and can't reach the buttons. When it's raining, he has his umbrella with him, so he can reach the 15 button with it.
All my friends, we was ready for the second riot. No, not like the first one, where we were just grabbing stuff at random — it wouldn't be like that. I've got a thousand boxes of Pampers; I don't know what I'm going to do with it. No, no, this time we had a list. We were going to get the stuff we need. Everybody on my block has bought a U-Haul.
How many of you know who Jeane Dixon is? You know who she is? You know she predicted everybody's death? John F. Kennedy, Robert F. Kennedy — don't you think this is the b***h who's killing these folks? Check her alibi out.
And let me tell you something — if you go to the emergency room and you've got a knife still stuck in your head, you go to the front of the line. You're next. 'Excuse me. I ain't got time to fill out no forms.'
As soon as I got it home, it made a bolt for the door.
Because if they fell forward, they’d still be in the boat.
Serves him right…
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…like they had a terrible itch and were unable to scratch their heads with such small arms.