While watching TV last night, I said to my wife, “I’ve decided that when I die, I’m leaving everything to you.”

She replied, "You already do that, dear."

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Before we were married, my wife said she’d go out with me if I knew a six letter word that’s a synonym for “calm”…

I said, “It’s sedate.”

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Did you hear about the new pirate movie?

It's rated arrrrrgh.

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Acupuncturists…

Never trust acupuncturists…

they'll stab you in the back.

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Why was Noah the best businessman in the Bible?

He floated his stock while everybody else was being liquidated.

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I just deleted all the German names off my phone.

It’s Hans free.

Courtesy Darren Walsh

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Can you believe my wife, I mean this lady’s supposed to be my life partner…

…I look into the mirror the other day, and I says to her "Honey, I look into the mirror and all I see is a fat, ugly, old man. And I need you to give me a compliment." She says "Alright then. Well, your eye sight is darn near perfect."

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My wife and I have fights constantly…

…One time we were driving, and went pass a bunch of animals. There was a pig, and cow, and a horse. And I admit this was cruel, I was mad at her. I said "Hey, you see that pig, that cow, and that horse. Remind you of any of your relatives?" She says "Yeah, my in laws."

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Man I tell ya, until I met my wife I always felt incomplete…

Now I'm finished…

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I really have to do something about my battery addiction…

…maybe I'll have to start going to AA meetings…

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