Why was Noah the best businessman in the Bible?

He floated his stock while everybody else was being liquidated.

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I just deleted all the German names off my phone.

It’s Hans free.

Courtesy Darren Walsh

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Can you believe my wife, I mean this lady’s supposed to be my life partner…

…I look into the mirror the other day, and I says to her "Honey, I look into the mirror and all I see is a fat, ugly, old man. And I need you to give me a compliment." She says "Alright then. Well, your eye sight is darn near perfect."

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My wife and I have fights constantly…

…One time we were driving, and went pass a bunch of animals. There was a pig, and cow, and a horse. And I admit this was cruel, I was mad at her. I said "Hey, you see that pig, that cow, and that horse. Remind you of any of your relatives?" She says "Yeah, my in laws."

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Man I tell ya, until I met my wife I always felt incomplete…

Now I'm finished…

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I really have to do something about my battery addiction…

…maybe I'll have to start going to AA meetings…

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Toughest job I ever had was as a door to door salesman, selling doors…

Every time I knocked, I thought, "Oh man, they've already got one."

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How many politicians does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Not sure, first they have to figure out which way to spin it…

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If you need to start a fire by rubbing two sticks together, make sure they’re the same…

Then you’ll have a match…

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As I get older and I remember all the people I’ve lost along the way…

I think to myself, maybe a career as a tour guide wasn't for me…

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